Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Looking Back

Today I was perusing through my blog, looking at some of the Archives. I wanted to make sure that everything was still lined up and even after the design change.

I came across this post. It was kinda interesting to me that even though I posted it 8 months ago, last school year; I could have posted it today.

I still desire the same things, and I still have the same struggles. I know in light of eternity these struggles are 'Light and Momentary' but 8 months does not seem too momentary. I think I just need to get my head around the fact that I will always have these struggles as long as I have children.



The Perfect Mom



Of all the haunting moments of motherhood, few rank with hearing your own words come out of your daughter's mouth. ~Victoria Secunda

God intended motherhood to be a relay race. Each generation would pass the baton on to the next. ~ Mary Pride

I have not posted in a while, my Mom’s been visiting. Her visit has really got me thinking. What kind of Mom will my kids describe me as when they are adults? Will they remember all the good times or only the bad?

Will they remember all the nights I read to them before bed, or the nights I was too tired or too busy.

Will they remember all the kind and uplifting words, all the I Love You’s or the times when I raised my voice in anger?

Will they remember all the things I taught them? Or all the things I didn’t know?

Will they have fond memories of all the things we did together, or only remember the times I went without them?

Will they remember the times I let them make a huge mess, cooking in my kitchen, or only think on the times I said no because I didn’t want the hassle?

Will they remember the times we all played games together, or the times when they had to play by themselves.

Will they remember all the times we curled up on the couch to read a great book, or the times I made them do their math?

Will they remember all the great and deep conversations we had, or only the lectures they occasionally had to endure?

I am a parent, I am a sinner, I am human, I will not be a perfect parent. How will my children choose to remember me when they have left the nest?

I know that no one can be the perfect parent. There is this constant tug between doing what feels right and doing what is right in this fallen world we live in. The more I focus on God the more doing what is right, is easier. But I’ll never get it perfectly right this side of eternity.

Even in homeschool, I feel the tug between idealism, and reality. I want to sit and talk and read and have deep spiritual discussions with my kids, and we do that some, but there is always the tyranny of the urgent. The math MUST get done; we MUST study writing more, the SAT’s are coming! We don’t have time to sit and talk about what my 8 year old wants to be when she grows up, we have phonics to cover, and haven’t even started History yet, and I have to go get B from his Algebra tutor in 30 minutes! You get the point and have probably experienced the same struggle.

I know what I want my home and homeschool to look like, I know the Ideal that is in my head, but somehow reality falls far short of that ideal.

I think having my Mom here reminded me that this is not forever, this time I have to teach and influence my children is only a season, then they are on their own and I can’t go back and do or undo anything. I can’t go back and read Peter Pan to my 30 year olds, or pull them on my lap and ask them what they want to be when they grow up.

It’s kind of like the parable of the talents. God has given me these 4 talents for a time. One day He is going to ask me what I did with them. One day I’ll be held to account.

Some day soon this portion of my job will be done and I desperately want to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” from my Father, and “You did a good job, Mom, I love you” from my kids.

No pressure or anything!

The above photo...
Enough and Room to Spare
by Frederick Morgan

3 comments:

jewlsntexas said...

I love Monkey Bread too - sometimes you think you should just dump the stuff in the back of your pants cause that's how lumpy your rear end will be after eating all that Monkey Bread!

I'm coming back to read this post later - I gotta run right now!

Dana said...

Nicely written. I have the same concerns. I am not perfect and wonder sometimes what my children will say when they are older. What will mean the most to them? What angers will they hold?

But there is nothing quite like when my four year old boy throws his arms around me and says, "You're the best mommy in the whole world!" So he doesn't have any real objective standard of measurement...but I'll take it!

Dana
Principled Discovery

Halfmoon Girl said...

I liked Dana's comment. I wanted to say the same. I keep praying that God would fill the any gaps that my parenting has contributed to!